Thursday, September 30, 2010
Endings
Well I started this blog to journal my journey with weight loss... so many things keep happening to me and the weight loss journey keeps getting put on hold. That seems to be the pattern lately with everything in my life. I think the last 20 years I have been on hold it seems.
You just don't think about time and then it hits you just how much time has actually gone by. What changes have you made for yourself? Have you managed to accomplish any goals that you have set? Where are you in life now?
All these things are going through my head right now.
How often have I sat here just bawling my eyes out. How often have I made excuses so I wouldn't have to go out in public and be seen. I am ashamed of myself and so I continue to punish myself. The question that comes to mind is why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep continuing on this pattern I have made for myself?
I use to blame my husband for my weight gain. But when I sit and think about it I could have made choices and stuck to them if I really wanted to. So why am I poisoning myself and putting myself into an early grave? I know with this weight on me I will end up dying early. Really how many fat people live long lives?? Not really many. Do I really care that I am putting myself into that early grave? I think I do but yet I do nothing to correct this problem. I am depressed as hell.
I need motivation and you would think that life would be a good motivater but it seems to not be for me. What will it take to finally motivate me to take that final step?
I keep setting myself up for failure and I can't understand why I do this?
It's not just with weight but with friends and relationships as well. Do I deep down think I don't deserve to be happy? I want to be.. I see what other people have and I so wish that could be me. I want to be happy, I want freedom, I want change but yet I do nothing.
I just don't know....
You just don't think about time and then it hits you just how much time has actually gone by. What changes have you made for yourself? Have you managed to accomplish any goals that you have set? Where are you in life now?
All these things are going through my head right now.
How often have I sat here just bawling my eyes out. How often have I made excuses so I wouldn't have to go out in public and be seen. I am ashamed of myself and so I continue to punish myself. The question that comes to mind is why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep continuing on this pattern I have made for myself?
I use to blame my husband for my weight gain. But when I sit and think about it I could have made choices and stuck to them if I really wanted to. So why am I poisoning myself and putting myself into an early grave? I know with this weight on me I will end up dying early. Really how many fat people live long lives?? Not really many. Do I really care that I am putting myself into that early grave? I think I do but yet I do nothing to correct this problem. I am depressed as hell.
I need motivation and you would think that life would be a good motivater but it seems to not be for me. What will it take to finally motivate me to take that final step?
I keep setting myself up for failure and I can't understand why I do this?
It's not just with weight but with friends and relationships as well. Do I deep down think I don't deserve to be happy? I want to be.. I see what other people have and I so wish that could be me. I want to be happy, I want freedom, I want change but yet I do nothing.
I just don't know....
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